Dealing With Difficult People

Sometimes conflict arises from the most unlikely people!


We all dream of a Life Group where each member connects with the group, leader, and curriculum immediately.  However, you may be realizing that sometimes caring for the health of your group means dealing with a difficult person or situation by having a CAREfrontation.  

HAVING A "CAREFRONTATION"
Few of us look forward to confronting others, but the Bible tells us that sometimes confronting a destructive behavior in a person can be the most caring thing that you can do for them (and for your group) because it opens the door for God to move in a way that He couldn't as long as the behavior continued.  That's why we need to view these conversations as CAREfrontations instead of CONfrontations.



You probably need to have a CAREfrontation if a person in your group is... 

• Challenging everything that you say in a way that detracts from the conversation in the group.
• We want people to have the freedom to challenge the leaders point of view, but sometimes a person can challenge the leader so much that it limits the rest of the group members from being able to experience God through the curriculum that the leader is presenting.
• Putting down the ideas, comments, thoughts of you or others in the group in a way that shuts down the conversation.
• Is telling others to believe things that clearly are not taught in the Bible.
• If you see an area of sin in their life that you know will ultimately draw them away from God. 
• Speaking into this area in someones life is key to helping them experience the transforming work of God.

Here are some tips designed to guide you, should you find yourself needing to have a CAREfrontation.

1. SET UP A MEETING with the person outside of the Life Group setting. This can be as simple as asking them to come early, or stay after group.  Before the meeting do two things: 
1. 1) make sure to pray for the person and the conversation. 
2. 2) Make sure that the person signed the Life Group Member Agreement. Being on the same page with the person in terms of group expectations is key for a successful CAREfrontation.
2. COME WITH CHARITABLE ASSUMPTIONS (i.e. don't assume the worst).  It's easy to assume that the person hates you, or the group, but the truth is, they could be going through something completely outside of your group which is flavoring the way they're acting in group.
3. IN THE MEETING: Ask a few probing questions: 
1. "Are you enjoying the group so far?"
2. "Have I done anything that has upset of frustrated you?"
4. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS/OBSERVATIONS: Ask the person if you can share with them something that you've observed of the the past few weeks. This opens the door for you to speak into their life.  If they say "yes" you can say:
1. "Last week in group I felt like ________ when you said ___________ to Tom." or "I feel belittled as the leader when you ask questions that seem condescending." (be ready to have an example if they ask for one).
5. TAKE THEM BACK TO THE GROUP AGREEMENT:
1. "One of our goals in this group is to be authentic and to create a safe place for each of the members of the group to experience God. I really value you, and your role in our group, and I want to ask that as we continue to meet together, that you make sure that the things you say are creating a safe place for the rest of our group to encounter God."
6. GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO RESPOND: Ideally they will respond positively to what you are sharing. If this doesn't happen, you will need to contact your coach and they can guide you through some next steps.
7. PRAY

NOTE: I realize this is a general overview of how to have a CAREfrontation. If you have specific questions about how to talk with someone regarding a certain issue that your group is facing. Please make sure to call your coach. Your coach is a fantastic resource as you lead your group.

Stretch and Release

When I was in my early 20's I had some large ear piercings (think pencil sized hole in my ear lobe), but if you looked at my ears today, you would only notice a small hole where the piercings used to be. That's because human skin has an amazing amount of elasticity (think rubber band). Skin can stretch it to a certain point, and generally it snaps back into place (assuming that we take the right steps).  But there is a certain point where our skin has stretched beyond it's ability to snap back into place (think about someone who has huge holes where ear lobes used to be).

The same is true with our spirituality, life, and ministry. It's why God set up the world with stress and release  times (day and night, week and weekend, etc). It's why we've structured our Life Groups in 12 week sessions (stretch) with 1 month breaks (release) between sessions.

It is also the reason that I want you to pray about this Summer. God has designed us to have ministry times of stretch and release, but I've seen too many leaders over the years who have not listened to God's voice in this area, and have pushed themselves to burn out. When that happens, they usually end up getting disconnected from God, and angry at the church and the ministry that they serve in.  Friends, I care about you to much to have that happen in any of your lives.

If you've led for the past two or three sessions, I would like you to spend time praying this week about the idea that God might want you to have a break from leading a group this summer, and join a group as a member. Even as I write this, it's a little terrifying, because I realize that many of you fit into this category, and it's unnerving to think about having you take a break. But I believe strongly that release points in your journey will serve you, God's people at New Life, and God's plan for our community far more in the long run.

If you've led for two or three sessions straight, then I would like you to prayerfully consider joining a group as a member instead of leading one this summer.  This is not a command or requirement, but I believe it is an incredible way the coaches team and myself to care for you by making sure that you don't hit burn out.

Here are a few benefits to taking a break:
1) It gives you release time to recharge and get ready for next Spring.
2) It raises up new leaders from your group who can take the mantle of leadership.
3) It allows you to sit under another leader. Getting into a LG as a member is key to recharging. If you simply stop leading and don't join a group, the chances of getting disconnected from God and community go up drastically.


If you have been leading for one session. I would like pray and strongly consider leading again this Summer. God is going to do amazing work  in our church through our groups this summer, and He wants to use seasoned leaders like you to lead the charge as we dive into this new venture.

BY NEXT WEEK:
If you haven't already been in contact with your coach about this Summer, then I'd like you to email them and let them know if you are:

1) MARRIED TO THE IDEA OF LEADING THIS SUMMER: You are definitely leading
2) DATING THE IDEA OF LEADING A GROUP THIS SUMMER: You are considering leading
3) ABSTAINING FROM LEADING A GROUP THIS SUMMER: You are planning to take a break from leading, and will be joining a group as a member. You may fit into this category because you've led for two consecutive sessions, or because God is leading you to other ministry opportunities this fall.

If you have specifics about leading this summer (type of group, day, time, etc) please email that info to your coach as well.

I love serving in this ministry with each of you and pray regularly for you and your group. Have a week!
-Kev

7th Inning Stretch

 Can you believe that we've just passed the half way point of our Spring Life Group Session? That said, I think it's time for the Life Group 7th Inning Stretch. Last week we talked about personal development and goal setting as we journey through this Spring, and this week I want to talk about goal setting and development for your Life Group members in something that I'm calling the Life Group Seventh Inning Stretch. Here are a few tips as you continue to guide our community toward Christ.

• REFLECT:  The 7th inning stretch is a time for looking back at the game so far...
• Spend some time reflecting on your expectations coming into this session and ask:
• How has God worked in the ways that I expected?
• How has God worked in unexpected ways?
• Are there expectations/hopes that I had which have not come to pass? 
• If there are, try to identify why they haven't come to pass.
• Ask God to show you things that you can do to make those hopes a reality.

• SING: The 7th inning stretch is a time for singing and celebrating...
• Spend time thanking God for each of the people in your Life Group. 
• Spend time thanking God for the work that He is doing in the lives of the group members.
• Spend time worshiping God for who He is, and the work that He is doing.

• LOOK AHEAD: The 7th inning stretch is a time for planning for the rest of the game.
• Check your calendar:
• Have you scheduled and begun planning for:
• The groups communion time: See your Leaders Packet for tips on setting up communion.
• The groups service project: If not, scroll down to the blog for Rebuilding Together Petaluma, and sign your group up this week.
• The groups party.
• Look at each member of your group and ask God what He wants for them as they continue meeting together. He might bring up:
• A scripture that you should share with them. Some encouragement or challenge that you should share with them.
• NOTE: If He doesn't, that's okay, but we should always be asking God what He might want to say through us as we lead our groups. 
• Look at your own life, what is God speaking into your life and how are you following his promptings? 

Doing these things will help you connect with God, reflect on the past, and prepare for the future as you lead your group through the rest of this session.

Developing Your Spiritual Growth Plan

What are your spiritual next steps?

AT OUR IGNITION KICKOFF back in January, I said that God's great desire for you is that you would grow closer to Him and become more like Him in your thoughts, words, and actions. We're sneaking up on the halfway point of this session and now is a great time to check in with God to see how you're doing in terms of your own personal growth toward Christ. If you didn't set growth goals in January, don't worry, it's never to late to start. Here are some tips to help you set some spiritual next steps:

CREATING SPIRITUAL NEXT STEPS

DEFINE THE GOAL: Do you know what "growing closer to God" actually looks like in your life? If you aren't clear about what your goal is, then you can't grow.

• FIGURING OUT WHAT GROWTH LOOKS LIKE: To figure out what your spiritual next steps are for this spring, spend some time in prayer and reflection asking God WHAT you need to grow in. 
• This could be an internal spiritual practice, it could be a behavior that you want to change, it could be an action that you want to begin taking. 
• WRITE IT DOWN: Once you figure out "what" you growth looks like, make sure to write it down. If it's not written down, chances are you won't do it. So figure out what you want to work on, and write it down!

SET ACTION POINTS: Get specific about what growth looks like. This will set you up for success in achieving your goal(s), so make the choice to get specific, and place that information somewhere that you will see it on a regular basis.

• Here are a few examples of what this could look like:

• EXAMPLE 1: If your goal is to understand God more fully by getting into His Word, don't say "I want to read my Bible more." Instead say, "I want to read my Bible 15 minutes a day, seven days a week, and spend 7 minutes in prayer and reflection at the end of each Bible reading, then stick it on your bathroom mirror so you see it each morning.
• EXAMPLE 2: If your goal is to love God more by loving your spouse, don't say, "I will be more loving and servant oriented toward my spouse." Instead say, "I will do one act of service for my spouse 5 times a week, and will tell them that I love them at least 1 time each day." Then stick it to the back of your cell phone.

 TELL SOMEONE: Accountability will be key in helping you achieve your goals.

• Who are you going to tell? This could be your spouse, trusted friend, co-leader, etc. The important things is that this person is someone who you know will follow up with you to make sure that you're sticking to your goal.  

 MY STORY: For years I've made it  a general rule to study the Bible and spend time in prayer almost every day (with some misses when things got out of control), but 10 months ago I was challenged that I need to be in God's Word every day WITHOUT EXCEPTION, if I truly wanted to continue growing deeper toward God. That day I placed an hour time slot on my calendar for Scripture study and prayer, told my wife about the decision, and began to work my plan. I have not missed a day in God's Word since, and it has been incredible. God's great desire is not simply that we would lead, but that as we lead, we would draw close to Him in amazing ways. Let's set some goal, set some action points, tell someone, and take those next steps!

SERVANT EVANGELISM through REBUILDING TOGETHER PETALUMA

Let's Rebuild Something Together

A service evangelism project is...

• Simply a way (through an act of service or other means) to help people experience the love of God.  If you don’t have a service evangelism project  that you and your group are excited about, then we’d like encourage you to take part in Rebuilding Together Petaluma as your service evangelism project.

What Is Rebuilding Together Petaluma…

• Rebuilding Together Petaluma (RTP) is a non profit organization that does free home improvement projects (using a volunteer force) for members of our community that could use a helping hand. New Life has partnered with RTP for a number of years and this Spring they offered us the chance to take 10 sites for the spring project.

When Is RTP's Next Project… 

• The project that we can partner w/ RTP on is APRIL 21

What does this mean for us…

• This is an incredible opportunity to make a long lasting impact in Petaluma through one day of selfless service. To be able to man the 10 sites we will need at least 150 people (probably closer to 200 folks). If you are looking for an incredible service evangelism project, then we want to highly recommend RTP.

How Do I Register W/ My Group...

• You can register with your group by clicking here  (NOTE: each person in your group who is working on this project must register). The #1 best way to ensure that everyone registers is to take a laptop to your group (or use the hosts computer) and sign your group up on the spot. The sign up only takes a minute or two per person. This will ensure that your group members actually sign up.

• There is a box for “I prefer to work with the following group or persons” place “New Life” in this box (not NLCF, just New Life). 

 1 VERY VERY IMPORTANT FINAL STEP...

 I (Kevin) need to know right when you sign up with your group for Rebuilding Together so that I can email the folks at RTP and let them know to place your Life Group on the same project. If you don't email me your Life Group WILL NOT be working together. When you sign up please email my at kevin@newlifepetaluma.org so that I can work to ensure that your group serves together.

WHERE'D THEY GO? Why God Cares About Follow Up!

WE ALL HAVE SOMEONE who signed up for our group and either only showed up once, or never showed up at all. Which leaves us with the question that EVERY Life Group leader must ask at some point during this session. Why & How (if at all) should I follow up with someone who signed up but didn't show up?

4 REASONS WHY Follow Up Is Vital

1.  GOD CALLED THEM INTO YOUR GROUP! At some point during our promo month God stirred something in them to join your group. Following up opens the door for people to act on the promptings of God.
2. EVERYONE IS BUSY: I sent a personal email out to 60 people who joined groups last Fall but did not join a group this Spring. My goal was simple: figure out what happened (did something happen in the last group that made them not want to join again, did they have a hard time finding a group that they wanted to join, etc). The vast majority of responses (over 95%) said that they were just too busy to join a group this spring. 
• GOOD NEWS: While the person who hasn't showed up is likely busy, they have already committed to being in your group which means they have the that time set aside for group.
3. IF YOU ASK, THEY WILL COME: A number of the people who I emailed responded saying that the email was the impetus that they needed to join a group, so they went online and signed up that day.
4. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU: When people don't show up for our group, if often plays into our own insecurities, but the truth is, someone not coming almost always has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

3 TIPS FOR MAKING CONNECTION

1. CALL IMMEDIATELY: Make a 20 minute appointment on your calendar for the DAY AFTER every Life Group to make follow up calls. We should be calling every person that missed our group the day after they miss.
2. CARE (People Are God's Passion): The goal of connecting with someone who missed life group (either frequently or infrequently) is not simply to get them back to your group. It is to let them know that they matter to you (and by extension matter to God). He has placed them in your group so that you can care for them. 
• In Matt. 18 Jesus talks about a good shepherd leaving 99 sheep to go after the 1 that wandered away. God wants us to connect with the one missing person (even if we have 14 other committed folks who come every week).
3. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY: Make sure that you know what you want to communicate to the person that you are calling. This is key to helping them feel like you are Checking IN with them and not checking UP on them. Here's a potential outline:

Hi __________

"I missed you at Life Group last night and wanted to make sure that everything was ok."

• Wait for their reply. If something happened offer to pray for them on the phone, and let them know that you'll be praying for them this week.

"I'd love to have you join us at group next week, do you think you'll be able to make it."

• Note: asking the question and waiting for a response is key to helping people make commitments.

"Fantastic, I'll shoot you the info from this week so that you're ready to go. I'm looking forward to seeing you on Sunday and at our next gathering."

What's With All the Questions...

ASKING GOOD QUESTIONS is one of the hardest things for many leaders to do is also one of the essentials for a healthy group. Asking questions has incredible benefits to you and your Life Group including but not limited to:

• Giving people ownership in the discussion (and as a result, ownership in the group which helps them stick around).
• Allowing others to share their thoughts in a safe environment.
• Giving external processors the time to process. Many people learn best when they are talking their thoughts out loud.
• Asking questions relieves you from having the burden of always talking.

WHAT IS A GOOD QUESTION? Here are a few things to keep in mind when writing down and asking questions:

• What is the heart of this week's study, and does my question get people closer to the heart of the topic?
• Does my question elicit a conversational response or a yes no answer? 
• Tip: Try to stay away from questions that lend themselves to a one word response or you will feel like you're pulling teeth to get people to talk.
•  A good question should spark a dialogue in your group. If you are asking the right questions, you may only need 3-5 questions for your entire discussion.
• Tip: It can be helpful to let the question spin into other questions that the groups has, but beware that this can easily get the group off track of the heart of the study. If this happens, gently guide the conversation back by saying something like "That's a great thought that I'd love to explore more later, but for now is it alright if I move us in a different direction?"
• A good question brings multiple answers. 
• Tip: Stay away from responding to each person's response. Instead say, "That's a great thought, does anyone else have something to add to that?"

HOW IS MY QUESTION TO COMMENT RATIO?
If you're anything like me then it might be easier to monologue than it is to ask questions (makes for a good preacher, but poses an obstacle in Life Group leading). In your group this week I want to encourage you to notice your question to comment ratio. Here's how:

• Somewhere on your notes try keeping track of the number of questions that you ask, and the number of comments (or statements) that you make. I believe your question to comment ration should be at least 2 to 1 (two questions for every comment). See if you can do the 2 to 1 ratio in your group this week.

12/4 SERMON: THE CHALLENGE OF ETERNITY

Friends,

This sermon marks the end of our NTC teaching series and the end of my blogs based on the sermon series. I would love to know if these were helpful for you and/or your group. I'm continuing to look for ways to make leading a more impactful and enjoyable and I would love your feedback so please shoot me a quick email and let me know if this was helpful for you (specifics would be great as I evaluate whether or not the teaching notes blog was helpful).

Here's Sunday's message with some questions to help your group go deeper:

THE CHALLENGE OF ETERNITY

• Why do you think the New Testament talks so much (over 500 times) about eternity? 
• Ron suggested that we can't full experience life the way that God intended it if without a view of eternity. Why do you think that is?

COLOSSIANS 3:2 – Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth. – TLB

• The author of Colossians writes the words in Col. 3:2 because he knows that we have a deep sense of eternity, but a strong desire to live for temporal things. 
• Where do you see this tension coming up in your life?
• Ron reminded us that the key to life is living with a dual focus (both on the here and now, and on eternity). What does this practically look like in our lives?

 3 CHANGES THAT DUAL FOCUS BRINGS INTO OUR LIVES:

#1 – It changes what we get upset and worried about. 

ROMANS 8:18 – I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. – NIV

• What kinds of things do you get worried/upset about? 
• How often do the things that you worry/get upset about come to pass?
• How can your view of eternity change the above two questions?

#2 – It changes how we invest our time, energies, and resources.

JOHN 6:27 – Don't be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man can give you. – NLT

• Do the majority of your resources, time, and energy go toward eternal pursuits or temporal ones? 
• Are you happy with the percentage that you give to each or would you like to change the ratio?

 #3 – It changes how we view our own mortality and death. 

1 CORINTHIANS 15:54-55 – Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? – NLT

• Does death scare you? Why or why not? 

3 WAYS TO LIVE WITH AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE

#1 – Get on board with Jesus 

JOHN 3:16-18 – God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God's one and only Son. – NLT

• When did you choose to become a follower of Jesus? If you have never made that decision, what is the deciding factor keeping you from making it today?

#2 – Educate myself about my destination 

• How much do you know about Haven? 
• Are you going to take Ron's advice and listen to the series that he preached about Heaven, or get Randy Alcorn's book "Heaven"?

#3 – Put myself in settings where eternity is the focus

• Being reminded of our eternal destination as followers of God is one great benefit to being at church and in  a Life Group. What are some other benefits to being in this type of community of faith?

PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE: What is one thing that you want to do to put this discussion about eternity into practice?

  

 

11/27 SERMON: THE CHALLENGE OF GODLINESS

Friends

I don't know about you, but I thought that yesterdays sermon on Godliness was fantastic. Below are the scriptures that Ron taught on along with some questions to help you and your group dig deeper into the topic. Have a great week and please know that the coaches and I pray for you regularly.

THE CHALLENGE OF GODLINESS

 

1 Timothy 4:7-8 – Do not waste time arguing over godless ideas and old wives' tales. Instead, train yourself to be godly. Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come. – NLT

• What do you think are present day "godless ideas and old wives tales" that we waste our time arguing about? 

GODLINESS DEFINED: Godliness is the practice of becoming more like Christ in our attitudes, actions, and responses.

• Ron said that there is part of us that doesn't naturally flow toward godliness which is why we need to train ourselves. 
• What does it practically look like to train ourselves to be godly?
• List off a few practical steps that you can take/are taking to train yourself to be godly.

 

3 PRACTICES TO HELP PRODUCE GODLINESS:

 

#1 – I must regularly ask God mold me to be like Him.

• Spending time with God is key in helping us become more godly, and prayer is a  key place to spend time with God. How much time do you spend in prayer on a regular basis?  
• How much of that prayer time is spent in reflection (asking God to reveal to you places that He wants to develop your character)?   

Romans 12:1-2 ­ Brothers and sisters, since God has shown us great mercy, I beg you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to him. Your offering must be only for God and pleasing to him, which is the spiritual way for you to worship. Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect. ­ NCV

• There are two keys to godliness found in Romans 12:1-2. 
• The first thing that we must do if we want to become godly is "offer our lives to God." This means that we give ourselves completely to God allowing Him to determine and define the path of our lives. 
• Are there areas of your life that you need to offer to God?
• The second thing that we must do is work in partnership with God in a way that allows him to change us from the inside out through the power of His Holy Spirit working in our lives. This brings us back to the question of prayer (allowing God the space to work in our lives). 

#2 – I must protect myself from ungodliness.

1 Corinthians 15:33-34 ­ Do not be fooled: "Bad friends will ruin good habits." Think carefully about what is right, and stop sinning. For to your shame I say that some of you don't know God at all. ­ NCV/NLT

• One way that we protect ourselves from ungodliness is by monitoring our relationships. What kind of relationships do you surround yourself with? Are they relationships that draw you closer to God or do they drag you down?
• Spend some time thinking about your friendships and do a little self assessment. 

• If your relationships aren't bringing you closer to God then you need to either change the dynamic of the friendship or change the friendship. 

•  Another way that we protect ourselves from ungodliness is to make the bold decision to stop sinning.
• Are there areas of sin in your life that you have allowed to continue after becoming a Christian? If there are then I want to encourage you that you need to ask the Holy Spirit for the strength to break the power of that sin in your life, and follow the third practice to help produce godliness. 

#3 – I must pursue godly activities.

1 Timothy 6:11 ­ You, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. ­ NLT

• Ron reminded us that unscheduled time tends to flow toward our area of weakness. 
• How are you filling your leisure time? Are you filling it with things that draw you closer to God, take you away from God, or keep you in the same place in your relationship with God? 
• If the answer is the second or third option then a great next step is to fill your time with Godly activities.
• Here are a few godly activities:
• Getting into God's Word (on a daily level by yourself and on a weekly level in a Life Group)
• Pray
• Get involved in a  church ministry and a selfless cause in the community that is in line with God's heart and desires for our community.

APPLICATION ZONE: 

Here are a few suggestions on ways to apply Sunday's message:

1. Spend time praying this week (3 times) asking God to reveal to you areas that He wants to make you more godly and then take action on them.
2. Monitor the relationships closest to you to see if they are drawing you close to God and look for ways to move them in that direction if they aren't currently drawing you toward God. 
3. Draw a line in the sand and decide to stop sinning today. Ask God for the strength, wisdom, and perseverance to say no to temptation and sin in your life. 
4. Look for one new godly way to spend your leisure time. If you're not involved in ministry in the church then sign up for a ministry on your connect card this Sunday. If you are involved, or if you're looking for something else, find a great cause in the community and begin to volunteer.