Dealing With Difficult People

Sometimes conflict arises from the most unlikely people!


We all dream of a Life Group where each member connects with the group, leader, and curriculum immediately.  However, you may be realizing that sometimes caring for the health of your group means dealing with a difficult person or situation by having a CAREfrontation.  

HAVING A "CAREFRONTATION"
Few of us look forward to confronting others, but the Bible tells us that sometimes confronting a destructive behavior in a person can be the most caring thing that you can do for them (and for your group) because it opens the door for God to move in a way that He couldn't as long as the behavior continued.  That's why we need to view these conversations as CAREfrontations instead of CONfrontations.



You probably need to have a CAREfrontation if a person in your group is... 

• Challenging everything that you say in a way that detracts from the conversation in the group.
• We want people to have the freedom to challenge the leaders point of view, but sometimes a person can challenge the leader so much that it limits the rest of the group members from being able to experience God through the curriculum that the leader is presenting.
• Putting down the ideas, comments, thoughts of you or others in the group in a way that shuts down the conversation.
• Is telling others to believe things that clearly are not taught in the Bible.
• If you see an area of sin in their life that you know will ultimately draw them away from God. 
• Speaking into this area in someones life is key to helping them experience the transforming work of God.

Here are some tips designed to guide you, should you find yourself needing to have a CAREfrontation.

1. SET UP A MEETING with the person outside of the Life Group setting. This can be as simple as asking them to come early, or stay after group.  Before the meeting do two things: 
1. 1) make sure to pray for the person and the conversation. 
2. 2) Make sure that the person signed the Life Group Member Agreement. Being on the same page with the person in terms of group expectations is key for a successful CAREfrontation.
2. COME WITH CHARITABLE ASSUMPTIONS (i.e. don't assume the worst).  It's easy to assume that the person hates you, or the group, but the truth is, they could be going through something completely outside of your group which is flavoring the way they're acting in group.
3. IN THE MEETING: Ask a few probing questions: 
1. "Are you enjoying the group so far?"
2. "Have I done anything that has upset of frustrated you?"
4. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS/OBSERVATIONS: Ask the person if you can share with them something that you've observed of the the past few weeks. This opens the door for you to speak into their life.  If they say "yes" you can say:
1. "Last week in group I felt like ________ when you said ___________ to Tom." or "I feel belittled as the leader when you ask questions that seem condescending." (be ready to have an example if they ask for one).
5. TAKE THEM BACK TO THE GROUP AGREEMENT:
1. "One of our goals in this group is to be authentic and to create a safe place for each of the members of the group to experience God. I really value you, and your role in our group, and I want to ask that as we continue to meet together, that you make sure that the things you say are creating a safe place for the rest of our group to encounter God."
6. GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO RESPOND: Ideally they will respond positively to what you are sharing. If this doesn't happen, you will need to contact your coach and they can guide you through some next steps.
7. PRAY

NOTE: I realize this is a general overview of how to have a CAREfrontation. If you have specific questions about how to talk with someone regarding a certain issue that your group is facing. Please make sure to call your coach. Your coach is a fantastic resource as you lead your group.

Stretch and Release

When I was in my early 20's I had some large ear piercings (think pencil sized hole in my ear lobe), but if you looked at my ears today, you would only notice a small hole where the piercings used to be. That's because human skin has an amazing amount of elasticity (think rubber band). Skin can stretch it to a certain point, and generally it snaps back into place (assuming that we take the right steps).  But there is a certain point where our skin has stretched beyond it's ability to snap back into place (think about someone who has huge holes where ear lobes used to be).

The same is true with our spirituality, life, and ministry. It's why God set up the world with stress and release  times (day and night, week and weekend, etc). It's why we've structured our Life Groups in 12 week sessions (stretch) with 1 month breaks (release) between sessions.

It is also the reason that I want you to pray about this Summer. God has designed us to have ministry times of stretch and release, but I've seen too many leaders over the years who have not listened to God's voice in this area, and have pushed themselves to burn out. When that happens, they usually end up getting disconnected from God, and angry at the church and the ministry that they serve in.  Friends, I care about you to much to have that happen in any of your lives.

If you've led for the past two or three sessions, I would like you to spend time praying this week about the idea that God might want you to have a break from leading a group this summer, and join a group as a member. Even as I write this, it's a little terrifying, because I realize that many of you fit into this category, and it's unnerving to think about having you take a break. But I believe strongly that release points in your journey will serve you, God's people at New Life, and God's plan for our community far more in the long run.

If you've led for two or three sessions straight, then I would like you to prayerfully consider joining a group as a member instead of leading one this summer.  This is not a command or requirement, but I believe it is an incredible way the coaches team and myself to care for you by making sure that you don't hit burn out.

Here are a few benefits to taking a break:
1) It gives you release time to recharge and get ready for next Spring.
2) It raises up new leaders from your group who can take the mantle of leadership.
3) It allows you to sit under another leader. Getting into a LG as a member is key to recharging. If you simply stop leading and don't join a group, the chances of getting disconnected from God and community go up drastically.


If you have been leading for one session. I would like pray and strongly consider leading again this Summer. God is going to do amazing work  in our church through our groups this summer, and He wants to use seasoned leaders like you to lead the charge as we dive into this new venture.

BY NEXT WEEK:
If you haven't already been in contact with your coach about this Summer, then I'd like you to email them and let them know if you are:

1) MARRIED TO THE IDEA OF LEADING THIS SUMMER: You are definitely leading
2) DATING THE IDEA OF LEADING A GROUP THIS SUMMER: You are considering leading
3) ABSTAINING FROM LEADING A GROUP THIS SUMMER: You are planning to take a break from leading, and will be joining a group as a member. You may fit into this category because you've led for two consecutive sessions, or because God is leading you to other ministry opportunities this fall.

If you have specifics about leading this summer (type of group, day, time, etc) please email that info to your coach as well.

I love serving in this ministry with each of you and pray regularly for you and your group. Have a week!
-Kev

7th Inning Stretch

 Can you believe that we've just passed the half way point of our Spring Life Group Session? That said, I think it's time for the Life Group 7th Inning Stretch. Last week we talked about personal development and goal setting as we journey through this Spring, and this week I want to talk about goal setting and development for your Life Group members in something that I'm calling the Life Group Seventh Inning Stretch. Here are a few tips as you continue to guide our community toward Christ.

• REFLECT:  The 7th inning stretch is a time for looking back at the game so far...
• Spend some time reflecting on your expectations coming into this session and ask:
• How has God worked in the ways that I expected?
• How has God worked in unexpected ways?
• Are there expectations/hopes that I had which have not come to pass? 
• If there are, try to identify why they haven't come to pass.
• Ask God to show you things that you can do to make those hopes a reality.

• SING: The 7th inning stretch is a time for singing and celebrating...
• Spend time thanking God for each of the people in your Life Group. 
• Spend time thanking God for the work that He is doing in the lives of the group members.
• Spend time worshiping God for who He is, and the work that He is doing.

• LOOK AHEAD: The 7th inning stretch is a time for planning for the rest of the game.
• Check your calendar:
• Have you scheduled and begun planning for:
• The groups communion time: See your Leaders Packet for tips on setting up communion.
• The groups service project: If not, scroll down to the blog for Rebuilding Together Petaluma, and sign your group up this week.
• The groups party.
• Look at each member of your group and ask God what He wants for them as they continue meeting together. He might bring up:
• A scripture that you should share with them. Some encouragement or challenge that you should share with them.
• NOTE: If He doesn't, that's okay, but we should always be asking God what He might want to say through us as we lead our groups. 
• Look at your own life, what is God speaking into your life and how are you following his promptings? 

Doing these things will help you connect with God, reflect on the past, and prepare for the future as you lead your group through the rest of this session.

Developing Your Spiritual Growth Plan

What are your spiritual next steps?

AT OUR IGNITION KICKOFF back in January, I said that God's great desire for you is that you would grow closer to Him and become more like Him in your thoughts, words, and actions. We're sneaking up on the halfway point of this session and now is a great time to check in with God to see how you're doing in terms of your own personal growth toward Christ. If you didn't set growth goals in January, don't worry, it's never to late to start. Here are some tips to help you set some spiritual next steps:

CREATING SPIRITUAL NEXT STEPS

DEFINE THE GOAL: Do you know what "growing closer to God" actually looks like in your life? If you aren't clear about what your goal is, then you can't grow.

• FIGURING OUT WHAT GROWTH LOOKS LIKE: To figure out what your spiritual next steps are for this spring, spend some time in prayer and reflection asking God WHAT you need to grow in. 
• This could be an internal spiritual practice, it could be a behavior that you want to change, it could be an action that you want to begin taking. 
• WRITE IT DOWN: Once you figure out "what" you growth looks like, make sure to write it down. If it's not written down, chances are you won't do it. So figure out what you want to work on, and write it down!

SET ACTION POINTS: Get specific about what growth looks like. This will set you up for success in achieving your goal(s), so make the choice to get specific, and place that information somewhere that you will see it on a regular basis.

• Here are a few examples of what this could look like:

• EXAMPLE 1: If your goal is to understand God more fully by getting into His Word, don't say "I want to read my Bible more." Instead say, "I want to read my Bible 15 minutes a day, seven days a week, and spend 7 minutes in prayer and reflection at the end of each Bible reading, then stick it on your bathroom mirror so you see it each morning.
• EXAMPLE 2: If your goal is to love God more by loving your spouse, don't say, "I will be more loving and servant oriented toward my spouse." Instead say, "I will do one act of service for my spouse 5 times a week, and will tell them that I love them at least 1 time each day." Then stick it to the back of your cell phone.

 TELL SOMEONE: Accountability will be key in helping you achieve your goals.

• Who are you going to tell? This could be your spouse, trusted friend, co-leader, etc. The important things is that this person is someone who you know will follow up with you to make sure that you're sticking to your goal.  

 MY STORY: For years I've made it  a general rule to study the Bible and spend time in prayer almost every day (with some misses when things got out of control), but 10 months ago I was challenged that I need to be in God's Word every day WITHOUT EXCEPTION, if I truly wanted to continue growing deeper toward God. That day I placed an hour time slot on my calendar for Scripture study and prayer, told my wife about the decision, and began to work my plan. I have not missed a day in God's Word since, and it has been incredible. God's great desire is not simply that we would lead, but that as we lead, we would draw close to Him in amazing ways. Let's set some goal, set some action points, tell someone, and take those next steps!